Dilbert in Real Life

After ranting and raving a bit this past week, we'll have some fun this weekend.  The following real Dilbert-esque quotes are going around the internet.  I have no idea if they are true, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were.  Tomorrow I'll continue the "fun" theme with a garbage video.  Enjoy!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp.)

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Anyone else want to fess up?  I bet there are more than a few more out there.  I'll give you one, from a boss at a previous company:

"We have to stop sitting on our butts and start sitting on our heads!"
(Division VP, telecom equipment company, about a month before he was fired)

And then there was the framed note on the wall in the office of my very first boss over 20 years ago, handwritten from his boss apparently just after a good performance review (go figure...):

"Welcome to the $100k Club!"

I left the company a few weeks after that note appeared... I simply couldn't stomach that "management style."

Comments

[John Hunter]

Awesome.

[A. Tiraboschi]

How's this: "We will purchase from low-cost countries no matter what it costs" - Senior procurement executive, automotive industry

[AJ Sweatt]

One of my personal favorites, from a supervisor in a previous life reacting to a favorable quarterly report on cost cutting initiatives:

"If we keep this up, we won't even need customers anymore."